IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ________

I was once told that my mental health and past issues in life is why I was feeling all the pain and can't moved forward from the current situation that I'm in. I tried debating it with myself if I was the reason of all that I'm going through, but as I thought of it, it isn't. I've let go and accepted my past and my family's past and my mental health is not even bothering me anymore. As much as I wanted to justify and defend myself with the pain that I've been feeling repeatedly so that those people know why I did or said some things out of anger, I just can't because of the thought that always enters my mind "Respect of privacy, agreement, and it's so personal that I can't let it out", with that I shut my mouth and said an apology and cried my heart out in pain. I was once told that people who knew or read what you did or said, makes other people judge you or the person you are pertaining to. At the back of my head thinking, I was judged first and was not respected, I was judged that everything I did was all wrong and never right, I was not been defended in a way that I deserve to be defended. I was also told that I should not hurt other people just because I was hurting. I've kept in me everything I heard and learn, but the time I burst out, I'm at fault. With everything above, I've been wondering what if this person knows everything, like every single detail on my side, would this person still say such words? What if this person knows what I've been going through the pain, would this person will not take sides and just support as a friend? Did those people knew everything for them to judge me as this person who did everything wrong and never right? What if I did or say something to the authorities by the time when THAT happened? What would happen? Would I be the bad person? What if I could die by surpressing all the pain to myself because I was told not to burst it out? What if what if... So many what ifs, but are those what ifs makes me think straight and what is right? The answer? A BIG NO! Why? Because it's not right and it doesn't pleases God. It just gives me something to be bitter about, to get more furious about, to deeper my imagination into something that can give me more pain, and to plant something evil that the devil is happy and felt victorious. Why did I mention the devil? Because he manipulates what he wants you think and diverts your attention to yourself instead of focusing on God. I came across a sentence while listening to a certain movie or videoclip (I really don't remember 😅) saying, "Just because something need to be told, doesn't always mean it needs to be heard." The most important thing is you said it to God and He heard you, that is enough rather than wanting all people to hear your side of story and ask for justification. I have this fear in me that I don't want to be left alone or be left behind by anyone or anything I love due to the trauma I have. Once I get that feeling, anxiety and depression attacks. It's no joke, but it gets over done with time and with God of course. As Philippians 4:6 says, do not be anxious for nothing but surrender it to Him and ask Him for what you need and His provisions in your life with a thankful heart. Even when you are going through hardships in life. Continue the communication with by means of praying or talking to him every night like a casual talk whenever you talk with your friends or whatever style of communication you have with God. A sincere prayer doesn't need to be long for it to be considered as a sincere one. Whether it's short or long as long as it comes from the deepest of your heart, that is sincere. I always do pray to God all my pains and my thoughts to be washed away and I hope you do the same to leave everything to God, even upto this date. But remember to do your part to please God and not abuse in wrong doings the salvation we earned through Christ Jesus. Your past and your mental health, which you've let go or moved forward from it, does not define who you are, your pain, and your thoughts from the current situation you are in. But it does define you when you are still holding on to something you never surrendered to God. Always remember, let His will be done and not ours. All for Christ.